Before we got married, Joseph and I decided that there would be no babies in our life until he was out of medical school and I was well into my career. But then, ten months into our happy little marriage, the stick showed two pink lines. “What?” I thought to myself, “The antibiotics really do affect birth control?” Read the warning label, folks. Sometimes it can change your entire life. Hindsight is 20/20, am I right?
Preparing for the end, and the beginning
And just like that… I’m in my third trimester. The home stretch. The finish line is so close I can actually see it now. Except it’s the most ironic finish line ever, because it’s really just the start of another race. And that race will keep going until the day I die. No pressure. How does one even prepare for such a race? Is anyone ever truly prepared? Something in my gut tells me the answer to that is a resounding no. I take immense comfort in knowing that women have been going into motherhood with a feeling of self-doubt since the beginning of time. Terrible, I know! But I’m not going to lie… the fact that other people feel as out of control as I do puts a smile on my face.
Throughout this pregnancy, my life has revolved around discomfort, anxiety, and that feeling of self-doubt. But somewhere along the way, I started to adjust to the idea of this tiny human entering our world. The discomfort is still there, of course. I think the anxiety just goes along with parenting. But the self-doubt.. that has started to diminish. And for that, I am so relieved. It hasn’t gone away completely. I’m not sure if it ever will. But it’s matched with the knowledge that in the times when I don’t think I can do it anymore, God can. He has already given me strength in my lowest points, so I have faith that He will continue. At 7 weeks, He was there when I was home alone weeping over a positive pregnancy test. At 14 weeks, He was there when the nausea wouldn’t subside and I wasn’t sure how I was going to keep going. At 20 weeks, He was there when the ultrasound technician found abnormalities during the anatomy scan. And He is here now, at 29 weeks, when I’m feeling nervous about this home stretch.
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
1 Peter 5:7
I’m really not sure how people make it through something like this without faith and an incredibly supportive partner to lean on. Which that brings me to the topic of Joseph. What a mess I would be without him. Somehow he manages to lovingly see to my every need and desire, like last night at around 10pm when I nearly had a meltdown that our Brita filter needed to be replaced and I would get sick if I drank tap water. SO DRAMATIC. But guess who went to the store to get a new filter with a smile on his face? But it’s not just that! He also manages to breeze through his first semester of med school. I mean, who does that? Joseph, apparently. There are months when we really aren’t sure if we can afford groceries between my part time job and his student loans. I’m not saying that to gain sympathy, I’m just saying that despite being under so. much. stress… our marriage has honestly never been stronger. I think having to depend so much on each other and God has made our relationship into this super strong tripod type thing rather than two separate structures. If that doesn’t make sense, I apologize. Words have never been my strong suit. But yeah, Joseph and I are doing just fine. I’m so excited to see him with our child. As well as he does at being a husband, I can only imagine how great he’ll be as a father.
So that’s it for now. Our baby is 100% healthy (despite that momentary scare at 20 weeks) and kicking me in the ribs every minute of every day. Thank you for reading this little journal of mine. Even if it is just a whole lotta gibberish.